What Reading Ex-Christian Stories on Medium Taught Me As A Pastor
What I’ve learned from reading about why people have left the church.
I grew up in a Christian home. My dad is a pastor, and I lead the youth group at his church. I’ve only recently started to read medium consistently. During my first few weeks, I would always see a story that would have a title like “Why I Left the Church” or “Breaking Free From Religion.” Seeing such titles made me sad, and if I’m honest, a bit angry. However, I recently decided that if I ever see a title that makes me mad, I have to read it. So I found myself reading quite a few of them. Here’s what really stuck out to me.
The first trend I noticed was that it mainly consisted of women, and they usually leave for a similar reason. They tended to feel like the church made their virginity and/or modesty a basis for their worth. Which personally, I’ve noticed this in the church as well. In bible school, we liked to refer to it as the “overhyped sin.” While it is well worth a decent bit of discussion, we talk about it a lot in youth groups, and it’s not hard to see why many would take it as shaming those who have already done it. I was reminded of it when I was talking with a couple of friends from school (a guy and a girl), and we were reminiscing about our favorite church camp memories. My female friend talked about how much she disliked their small group discussion time, to the surprise of my other friend and myself. We absolutely love ours in high school. So, we asked what they talked about, and she said things like sex and modesty. But that seemed odd because we talked about the same things in our group. So, I didn't really understand why it would be so much worse for the female students.
I forgot about it for a long time until I logged back on to medium and saw more ex-Christian stories saying the same thing. So I wondered again, “Why?” What is so different about the topic of sex between boys and girls that has caused so much hurt for so many? I am a youth pastor, so I am desperate to figure it out before making the same mistakes. Then it hit me. I thought back to my small groups at summer camp and remembered a crucial difference between the focus of our discussion and theirs; pornography. The main issue that we consistently talked about in any guys-only small group always revolved around pornography. In school, we were always taught to talk about such issues with guys and girls separately to encourage students to be more open and honest. However, this will likely make the discussions a little different.
Now, why is this relevant to the question, “Why is the church hurting so many without even realizing it?” Because there is a key difference between talking about Pornography and virginity. When you talk about Porn, it is less about not doing it and more about freedom from it for those who have. I remember the tear-filled talks we had with one another, telling each other it’s ok. We would make packs, becoming accountability partners, and we would hug it out around a campfire. But if your focus is on being a virgin, well… there isn't really freedom from that necessarily; once it’s done, it’s done. That is where we fall short. Women will not be as likely to experience these types of moments because it’s not really a sin that you can stop. This has made it to where we constantly tell girls not to have sex before marriage. However, the way we have chosen to send that message has created this image of virginity that is like a Christian trademark. Almost like saying, “if you don't have it, you may want to question whether or not you are even a Christian.” Many Christians would argue that this isn't a valid response because that's not what they are trying to say. Believe me, it’s not. Nonetheless, that is the message that is being received, and I understand why.
This is where we have failed. When we talk to guys about pornography, we take that opportunity to tell them that they could never stray too far that God won't forgive them. There was always so much grace in those small groups, making them such a beautiful and rewarding experience. But for women, we don't usually offer that same grace in those types of areas. Don't get me wrong, we say we do, but in those moments, we never seem to let God’s grace get in the way of keeping these girls virgins; and that is one of our greatest failures as representatives of the gospel. While it is because we care deeply about them and don't want them to stray from God, we much too often compromise on a loving delivery if it means the message seems more likely to be received. This line of thinking has only, ironically, brought about the opposite response the church was hoping for.
I have noticed that the very thing that holds us to sin, more than anything else, is shame. It doesn't seem to make sense, but there is a reason Satan is called the accuser. He has a way of telling you that he is all you have left. Unfortunately, the church doesn't always help this. We often want so desperately to keep each other from sin that we lose sight of how beautiful and lasting God’s grace truly is.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences in these types of posts. For a group that prioritizes accountability, we aren't always the best at receiving it from an outside source. As a pastor, they help me avoid some of the pitfalls of those who came before me. I hope that you take comfort in knowing that I’ve gone to two bible schools, and each one has shown us these types of leaders and has told us not to be like them.
